Yesterday I was invisible.
There's just no pleasing the jerkbrain. Most of the time it complains bitterly about exactly the opposite: too much exposure. Too many demands.
But sometimes it goes all empty and needy and attention-seeking.
There's just no pleasing the jerkbrain. Most of the time it complains bitterly about exactly the opposite: too much exposure. Too many demands.
But sometimes it goes all empty and needy and attention-seeking.
Thing to realize: "Attention seeking" isn't the same as "asking for help."
I sent out emails to folks yesterday-- chatty and provocative. Hoping to attract attention, start a conversation, feel less alone. Had I sent "Hi (friend/loved one's name,) hoping you have a little time to shoot the breeze today, because I'm feeling lonely," I'm pretty sure I would have gotten instant and loving responses. But I didn't.
I posted on a couple of websites. Thoughtful, lengthy posts on issues, making observations and asking questions.
They sank like stones. Not a single response, comment, reply, recommendation, share, whatever. The world was busy.
I completed a project I was doing, for love-- a private blog site for a group of friends. Sent out the invitations three days ago. Got many brief, kind, enthusiastic "thanks!" email acknowledgments. Only one person actually accepted the invitation and signed up on the blog site, as of yesterday, and they've posted nothing. No comments, no replies to the "welcome" post I left, no new material.
I was feeling SO invisible. Also, sorry for myself.
Because all I really needed to do, was ask. Say, "hey... I'm feeling invisible, anyone want to talk, email, chat, spend time, share opinions, engage?"
I know lots of people and they all love me and some would have certainly responded, and lovingly.
But I couldn't. The jerkbrain was in there muttering crap about how I shouldn't have to ask. How people should just appreciate my brilliant emails and blog posts and projects and just respond, and give me their attention, because of course, it's all about ME!
And since no one was paying attention to me, there's something wrong with me! Ohmygod! What a GREAT opportunity for my Inner Dysfunctional Eleven-Year-Old to get out and romp around! IDEYO is expert at feeding the jerkbrain: Taking responsibility for the uncontrollable, making the worst possible assumptions, personalizing, awfulizing, the whole nine yards.
So, yesterday was not a good day.
But today, two things happened. One was an excellent blog post that landed in my inbox from Keely. Reading it helped me smack the crap out of my jerkbrain. The second one was a colleague who, when I mentioned that I'd been having those "invisibility" feelings yesterday, grinned at me and said "Like a ninja?"
Not yesterday, no. The Inner Dysfunctional Eleven-Year-Old is not much like a ninja. But today?
Yeah. Today, I'm using the quiet. I'm using the lack of distraction. I'm using the not-connected feeling.
What a difference twenty-four hours makes.
Which is why it's always worth sticking around for the next one.
I sent out emails to folks yesterday-- chatty and provocative. Hoping to attract attention, start a conversation, feel less alone. Had I sent "Hi (friend/loved one's name,) hoping you have a little time to shoot the breeze today, because I'm feeling lonely," I'm pretty sure I would have gotten instant and loving responses. But I didn't.
I posted on a couple of websites. Thoughtful, lengthy posts on issues, making observations and asking questions.
They sank like stones. Not a single response, comment, reply, recommendation, share, whatever. The world was busy.
I completed a project I was doing, for love-- a private blog site for a group of friends. Sent out the invitations three days ago. Got many brief, kind, enthusiastic "thanks!" email acknowledgments. Only one person actually accepted the invitation and signed up on the blog site, as of yesterday, and they've posted nothing. No comments, no replies to the "welcome" post I left, no new material.
I was feeling SO invisible. Also, sorry for myself.
Because all I really needed to do, was ask. Say, "hey... I'm feeling invisible, anyone want to talk, email, chat, spend time, share opinions, engage?"
I know lots of people and they all love me and some would have certainly responded, and lovingly.
But I couldn't. The jerkbrain was in there muttering crap about how I shouldn't have to ask. How people should just appreciate my brilliant emails and blog posts and projects and just respond, and give me their attention, because of course, it's all about ME!
And since no one was paying attention to me, there's something wrong with me! Ohmygod! What a GREAT opportunity for my Inner Dysfunctional Eleven-Year-Old to get out and romp around! IDEYO is expert at feeding the jerkbrain: Taking responsibility for the uncontrollable, making the worst possible assumptions, personalizing, awfulizing, the whole nine yards.
So, yesterday was not a good day.
But today, two things happened. One was an excellent blog post that landed in my inbox from Keely. Reading it helped me smack the crap out of my jerkbrain. The second one was a colleague who, when I mentioned that I'd been having those "invisibility" feelings yesterday, grinned at me and said "Like a ninja?"
Not yesterday, no. The Inner Dysfunctional Eleven-Year-Old is not much like a ninja. But today?
Yeah. Today, I'm using the quiet. I'm using the lack of distraction. I'm using the not-connected feeling.
What a difference twenty-four hours makes.
Which is why it's always worth sticking around for the next one.